Funny Adult Joke - Son of Bitch

Funny Adult Joke - Son of Bitch

A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission."
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes Father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes Father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes Father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this?" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes Father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!"

Funny Adult Joke : Italian food

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would move to Italy and secretly have the child. If she would raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 7 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without".

Funny Adult Joke : Dirty Mag

One day a mother was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Finally she asked him, "Well, what shall we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Funny Dirty Joke - Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Funny Dirty Joke - Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Funny Dirty Joke - The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Funny Dirty Joke - Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Funny Dirty Joke - Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Funny Dirty Joke - Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Funny Dirty Joke - The Tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Funny Blonde Jokes - The Cliff And The Blondes

A smart blonde and a dumb blonde both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first?
The dumb blonde because smart blondes don’t exist.

Funny Blonde Jokes - Blonde and blind policeman

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
“What’s the moaning all about, ma’am?” asked the officer. The blonde replied, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!”

Funny Blonde Jokes - Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Funny Blonde Jokes - Blonde in Police Force

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Funny Blonde Jokes - Broke Blonde

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

Funny Yo Mama - Momma Jokes - So Fat

Funny Yo Mama - Momma Jokes Collection
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.

Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!

Yo mama's so fat, she has her own zip code!

Yo mama's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.

Yo momma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!

Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?

Yo mama's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!

Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!

Yo mama's so fat, she invented the lowrider!

Yo momma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!

Yo momma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.

Yo mama's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.

Yo momma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!

Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."

Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"

Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.

Yo momma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.

Funny Yo Mama - Momma Jokes - Titanic Joke

Do you know what the difference between yo momma and the titanic?

The titanic sunk, yo momma floats.

Yo mama’s so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang “We are family!”

Funny Yo Mama - Momma Jokes Collection

Funny Yo Mama - Momma Jokes Collection
Yo Momma's Like a ...?

Your momma's like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and lays in the closet.

Your mama's like a toilet, she's so full of shit.

Your momma's like a hardware store 5 cents a screw

Your mama's like a squirell, she can't keep nuts out of her mouth.

Your momma's like a buffet, $3.00 and it's all you can eat!

Your mama's like buckleys, she tastes bad but works

Your momma's like a doorknob everyone gets a turn.

Your mama's like a light switch even a 4 Year old can turn her on.

Your momma's like a refrigerator, every one sticks there meet in her

Your momma's like a nascar driver she burns fifty rubbers a day

Your momma's like a shotgun 2 cocks and shes ready to blow

Your momma's like a hockey puck everyone gets a whack!

Your momma's like a merry go round everyone gets a spin!

Your momma's like a bus everyone gets a ride!

Your momma's like a boomeramg she keeps coming back for more.

Funny Biker Jokes - Why biking is better than rollerblading

62 Reasons Why biking is better than rollerblading
We don’t break our wrists as often.
Bikes have been refined over more than 100 years.
Blades are trendy.
We can ride over bumps without slowing down.
We don’t grab onto the nearest person while falling down.
Faster.
More precise steering.
We can stop.
We can ride over bladers without slowing down.
Can’t strap 32 ounces of water to roller blades.
Can’t strap 40 ounces of beer to roller-bladers.
Never need to buy 8 new wheels.
We can sit down.
We were here first.
Don’t need to change shoes after getting somewhere.
Never rack our nuts on a stair-rail.
Can get more air.
No need to swing arms, aimlessly.
We can go farther.
You can lock a bike to a lightpost.
You can lock a bike to a tree.
You can lock a bike to a parking meter.
You can lock a bike to a sign.
You can carry a lock on a bike.
We look much cooler.
We don’t have to see a big, fat blader ass in spandex pass us.
We can change gears.
Nothing special about blading “no handed”.
Never see bikers riding along, holding hands, taking up the whole damn road.
Never see bikers pretending to be ice skating.
Never see bikers riding backwards, oblivious to oncoming traffic.
If we wreck, we are not strapped into the bike.
Never forget how to ride a bike.
1 word, suspension.
Nobody has ever bladed across America.
Bikers have raised millions of dollars for charity.
There are several magazines devoted to bikers.
There are several books on bikers.
There are several movies about bikers.
Can’t do a “wheelie” on blades.
Easier to see a biker during the day because we are bigger.
Easier to see a biker at night because of reflectors.
People who ride bikes in public, already know how to ride a bike.
There are no famous roller-bladers.
If a blader and a biker run into each other, the blader will be hurt more.
Bikes come in more colors.
Can’t ride roller-blades on the beach.
Can’t roller-blade (if you want to stop) in rain.
Nobody ever rode a bike to disco music.
You can still ride a bike that isn’t your size.
Chrome roller blades would be stupid.
There are no plastic bikes.
Bikers outnumber roller-bladers.
Riding roller-blades in the street is a bad idea.
Can’t roller-blade on the highway.
No such thing as roller-blade cops.
Bikes don’t smell like sweaty feet.
Bikes last longer.
Some bikes actually appreciate in value.
There are no roller-blades in museums.
There are no roller-blader bars.
Chicks don’t flash roller bladers.

Funny Biker Jokes - A Greater Insult

A Greater Insult
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are a**holes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”

The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m an a**hole.”